Friday, September 19, 2008

Exclusive Interview: Bavu Blakes

DISCLAIMER: The following interview may be offensive, grotesque and cause bodily harm. AHHS does not take any responsibility for any mental distress caused by reading this post. You have been warned. If you feel this is inappropriate, you have a couple options, 1) grow a nut or ask Lance for his and 2) put your mouth back on your momma's titty because you obviously haven't grown a funny bone.

AHHS recently got a change to sit down with Mr. Bavu Blakes to talk about life, love and playing with teddy bears! Thanks Bavu!

AHHS: Is it me or are you too old to be rapping in public?

Bavu Blakes: I'm twice some of my fans' age and it really shows man. At my last gig I lost all feeling in my left arm.

AHHS: When you performed and only saw a sea of old white men, how did you tell Mayor Will Wynn to stop rollin' up with his crew?

Bavu Blakes: I jumped into "Smiley Faces" a capella and they got the point. No "Bavu Blakes Day" for me!

AHHS: Is it only when grannies start asking you to sign their titties, will you realize it's time to stop rapping?

Bavu Blakes: Well alot of grannies look like Stacey Dash these days, but I do see your point. I'm gonna start singing instead of rapping any second now... I'm actually covering Credence Clearwater Revival at ACL to speak directly to the fogeys noam talmbot.

AHHS: What do you tell your wife when you are out late at shows pimpin' ho's?

Bavu Blakes: I tell her I'm out doin' the Lord's work and I put some G's in the jar when I get home, plair.

AHHS: Does the wifey think you have a big dick or is that just the readers of The Screw Shop?

Bavu Blakes: We've actually considered changing the name "Bavu Blakes & The Extra Plairs" to a more simple, straight ahead name like "Dick Armey".

AHHS: In a Statesman interview, to the question, "What's the one thing you can't live without on your tour bus/van?", you answered, "Cocaine and strippers, mainly." Why does Element7D prefer to be called a stripper than a ho and what is it like sticking your face between his man boobs? By the way, pixie sticks are NOT considered cocaine.

Bavu Blakes: Alright, Element7D does not have man boobs and he would probably beat you up for that one. God bless you, potna! But you're right I've never done coke.

AHHS: When you interviewed Erykah Badu for ME Tv, at what point did you think to yourself, "Why doesn't she just shut up already and just suck my dick?" Was it at the beginning, middle or end of the interview? And how is she?

Bavu Blakes: I hope you don't get arrested for some of these questions. She's real cool and mysterious, but way more regular than she gets credit for. She's not as witty as you though, hmm... when I interviewed Common at ACL '07, he got kinda sweet on her and it threw me off. The lady has nice lips but I honestly never thought that because she doesn't even know me.

AHHS: You're rapping with a live band. How is that not totally riding the Roots nuts?

Bavu Blakes: We're trying to copy cat the Gym Class Heroes instead, plain as day. Nah, but seriously Stetsasonic did it before the Roots. And black people play instruments.

AHHS: When ACL called you to perform, did you initially reply, "Real rappers don't do ACL!". Then you realized you weren't a real rapper.

Bavu Blakes: Yes, I suppose cats like Common and I are just affirmative action rappers strategically positioned to offset white guilt while somehow fulfilling white privilege.

AHHS: What gimmicks and shenanigans might you pull to impress an ACL audience that doesn't know or care about you?

Bavu Blakes: Katy Perry's coming out during my set. And like I told you earlier, I'm doing a Fogerty cover and... my guitar player is white. Gary Clark Jr. plays on the last few songs. Oh, and we open with a very famous rock song by black folks.

AHHS: When you rap with other artists do you think "Why does this guy suck so much?"

Bavu Blakes: On a lot of the paid features I do, yes. But not all the time. Chalie Boy has embarrassed me on some tracks, and so have some others I'll leave nameless because they live in town. Hahaaaa!

AHHS: Do you ever think to yourself, "When is MC Overlord going to shut the fuck up about his 9 time Austin Hip Hop artist of the year?"

Bavu Blakes: Maybe once I thought that... but that's my boy though. For the record, damn near everybody is my boy.

AHHS: Why do you secretly hate Romeo of BBoy City for being the only real hip hop act in town?

Bavu Blakes: That's not why I secretly hate him. It's because he grew dreads a couple times. But that's my boy. Romeo is my boy.

AHHS: Are you really black or are you Obama black?

Bavu Blakes: I'm the last pure African. I'm Kanye West black.

AHHS: Would you pay to watch McCain do Palin in the Oval Office?

Bavu Blakes: Yes if I could tape it and own it.

AHHS: Why are you doing this interview, is it because only a shitty, 10 hits a day, wanna-be Austin Hip-Hop Scene blog would have you?

Bavu Blakes: I dunno. For some strange reason I appreciate the approach. It's a fresh angle, like being on Colbert or sumpn. Oh, and the Onion never called, plair...

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